Tuesday, March 29, 2011

THE CSI MYSTERYS

So I was sitting around the house watching CSI and all of those new hit shows about how they caught the killer and what not which im seriously interested in its kinda crazy but at the same time of course its fake lol but then I got to thinking im sure there are some crazy people out there thinking its seriously and have mental problems and think ok lets watch these shows and come up with the perfect way to kill and get away with it but of course that would be crazy right well im sure some people think that way and then go and try to plan the perfect way to get away with stuff like that well you don't you crazys!

So basically where im getting at is thatwhat htey should have said or done is put an ad at the beginning that says all of this is fiction and even if you try to not get caught of course you will eventually and go to prison for 50 plus years then they should of named it Don't think you can get away all these people get caught and are fake!

Friday, March 11, 2011

What would you do if you were the Cashier!!

ME AS THE BABYSITTER!!

WHAT I SAID AND DID
One night I was planning on going out with a bunch of my buddies was gonna hit up some bars, find some chicks. I was getting ready to head out and go out with the guys and BAM my sister calls and asks "Hey can you come watch the baby" At first I kinda hesitated and thought "heck I wouldn't be good at that", and then I thought "ah hell it can't be that hard just watching a kid cleaning up after it, holding it, feeding it. You know why not? I do owe it to her she has done me some favors". So, I went ahead and said yes, I guess I can.  So I go over there and she is all dressed up to go out and I am dressed down to chill at the house with a baby. So my sister goes off to go out with her friends.  I'm thinking to myself "yeah!  Watching this kid isn't so hard!"  So I get a bag of chips, some dip, turn on the football game and get comfortable.  As the game gets going really great, I get excited, jump up yelling for the team i'm rooting for then BAM the kid wakes up screaming and crying!  I'm like "cool ok, I'll get a bottle, do the do with that. Nope of course not what the baby wanted! So... I check the diaper. No mess down there. I pick him up, rock him on my hip and BAM throwin up all over me!!! I'm freaked out!! I run to the bathroom and clean myself off and the baby off at the same time.   The baby is laughing and crying at the same time at this point and so am I.   I call my sister and try to figure out what to do next she tells me to put him in the carrier and rock him back and forth with my foot.   So I do that with the game turned way down low and he falls asleep.  But everytime I stop rocking he starts throwing a fit so I go back to foot rocking and so on. Finally my legs are too tired so I just pick him up hold him and rock him in my arms while watching the game. Well about the time I do that he poops himself and it leaks out of the diaper and gets all over my jeans and shirt. I'm a giant mess once again!!!  So I get that situated and cleaned up.  I go back to the rocking him in my arms while on the couch because at this time the game is over and i'm pretty aggervated, but its just a baby and then BAM we both finally pass out I guess at the same time I wake up about an hour later with drool all over my chest and some snot and whatever comes out of a baby and my sister walks in laughing saying looks like you had a great time! She is laughing and probably smelling all of the terrible smells coming out of the baby and all over me!

WHAT I SHOULD HAVE SAID OR DONE
"No I can't do that.  I've never watched a baby or even a child in my whole life! I wouldn't know where to begin or what to do so no sis I won't watch your kid!!!!  But I can detail your car or something, i'm good at that!!!

WHAT WOULD YOU HAVE SAID OR DONE?

Thursday, March 10, 2011

THE SOUR PATCH KID SATAN CAT!!!

MY STORY AND WHAT I DID
Hides under the bed more often now until my GF comes over!

So my Girlfriend and me once went to petsmart just for fun of course. We go in and walk by all the birds which she is rather scared of, and we get to the fish section and we poke on the glass to watch them scatter as if they had been shot at or something. Then all of a sudden she FREAKS OUT and runs over to the Cat section leaves me standing there like an idiot, she just takes off so now I'm thinking to myself great she is gonna want a cat and I hate Cats. So how do I tell her and she not get so upset? Well I couldn't think of a way to tell her that so I just took the dive, and went ahead and agreed to get the cat with her. Oh yeah, but there's one thing you all need to remember we live separately! Oh and her mother won't allow animals at her house. So guess who ends up having to live with it ya you guessed it ME! So we take it to my house and I get it a bed,  food and everything a cat needs while it decides to hide under the bed all scared like. So I ignore it for a couple of days leave it at home during the day it uses the litter box when I'm gone everything goes good then it finally gets comfortable around me, and sleeps with me and cuddles and purrs and all those little cat like things. I begin to actually start liking cats UNTIL one night at about oh 2:30 in the morning, it decides to jump behind my headboard and get all tangled up in my window blinds and all I can hear is the claws on the window loud meowing and banging and whatever the other noise was because there is no word to describe it. So I get up get it unstuck and put it back under the blanket and go back to sleep and everything seemed good. Then NOT EVEN 20 MINUTES LATER same situation just louder and harder to get unstuck! So after that once again annoyed going back to bed next thing you know STUCK AGAIN this probably went on for about 2 hours no joke, so the next morning I get up tired and drowsy and somewhat annoyed. Then my parents ask who were you yelling at last night and why were you banging around?  I then suddenly freak out and say that stupid cat wouldn't quit getting stuck in the blinds. They say oh its just a cat maybe it had a bad dream or something. So, I decide OK I'll blow it off and just be nice to it like I usually was. I brushed it, held it, fed it everything an owner would do. Then one day I leave the house to go on a date with my girlfriend, me and her hug and pet the cat before we leave to go out. We go out to eat and went shopping and did our thing and get back to my place about 3-4 hours later. As I open the door to my bedroom where the cat was, all I saw was that either the cat or arch enemy had SHIT EVERYWHERE, TORE MY BLANKETTS UP WITH ITS CLAWS, BROKE MY BLINDS, SPILT ALL THE CAT FOOD EVERYWHERE AND EVEN MANGED TO KNOCK THE LITTER BOX OVER I'm guessing it was the cat!! But to end this long story lets just say my girlfriend was on the cats side and said it just missed us and now I'm stuck with the SOUR PATCH KID SATAN CAT!!

WHAT I SHOULD HAVE DONE....
Was said no I don't want this cat and took it to a animal shelter and just delt with her being mad at me until she got over it but I can't just break her heart over this cat she loves oh so much!!

NOW WHAT WOULD YOU HAVE DONE??

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

The wedding vow

MY STORY OF WHAT I THINK SHOULD BE SAID!!

Traditional wedding vows  are the most popular choice for weddings even after all these years. All of us have at some point have heard the love lyrics whether it be from attending weddings or in a movie.

Here is what we ofter hear from the person officiating the ceremony

"Do you, (insert sweet innocent or been had by every guy in high school brides name here), take (insert love sick fool grooms name here), to be his wife to have and to hold, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love, honor and 'obey' (or cheish if you are too insecure to leave in the 'obey') ;from this day forward until death do you part

Sounds so nice doesn't it??

Now this is WHAT THEY SHOULD HAVE SAID...


WHAT DO YOU THINK SHOULD BE SAID??

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Things that annoy me on Facebook

The Annoying Things We Do In Facebook
1. USE THE STATUS BAR AS MSN
-Have you not yet discovered the CHAT option on the bottom right of your facebook page!? Do we have to listen to you and your stupid conversations!?


2. LAZY GRAMMAR AND SPELLING MISTAKES
-Come on! Yu is You. Cum is Come. You're isn't 'Your'. Know isn't 'No'.


3. CONSTANTLY POSTING I LOVE YOU AND I MISS YOU IN YOUR STATUS
-I love my wife too and I always let her know this by saying it to her with words and kisses. I don't wait 'til the room is full of people and shout it in her face.


4. ADDING PEOPLE YOU KNOW, OR DON'T KNOW IN MANY CASE, AND THEN JUST IGNORE THEM.
-Yep you are not a friend but just a number.


5. COMMENTING ON MY STATUS THEN DELETING IT AND WRITING IT AGAIN AND DELETING IT AND WRITING AND DELETING....
-You carrot head! I can see the original messages in the notification email.


6. USE YOU STATUS BAR TO ASK FOR SOMETHING FROM THE PERSON SITTING RIGHT NEXT TO YOU
-Oh the lack of desire to expend EFFORT!


7. UPDATING STATUS EVERY 2 MINUTES
...is eating a corn beef sandwich
...is finishing a corn beef sandwich
...enjoyed the corn beef sandwich
...washing down the corn beef sandwich with a cool refreshing drink
...going to sit on the toilet to get rid of corn beef sandwich
...going to whip my arse
...flushing toilet
...unclogging toilet
...dropped my phone in toilet
...put phone in rice it still works YAY!!!
Unless you survived a plane crash we don't care!!


8. MOANING THROUGH STATUS.. IS PISSED... IS GOING TO KILL SOMEBODY... MISSES YOU AND WANTS TO RELIVE ALL THE GAY TIME
-If you want to moan, get a baseball bat and shove it up your arse. Stop sharing your pain with the rest of us.


9. USING LAZY TEXT MESSAGE ABBREVIATIONS IN YOUR STATUS
-Yep it's true and so obvious. The lack of confidence in spelling affects your written expression. Don't write 'Der' when you know you mean 'Their'. Get a dictionary!


10. UPLOAD POUTING PHOTOS
-Listen, Angelina Jolie has a natural pout and it looks sexy. What you have is a duckbill.


11. USE FACEBOOK ONLY TO PRY THROUGH PEOPLES PROFILES
-Be careful you don't accidently hit that like button.


12. FORCED COMPLIMENTS
-Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive. Forced compliments are so obvious.


13. UPLOAD CLUBBING PICTURES THE MORNING AFTER
-Quick take my picture, I'm going to put this up on facebook and everyone will know I party on weekends oh we see it and say ha look they look like idiots but won't realize it til the next day so lets get our laughs in now


14. SENDING A THREAD MESSAGE
-You are aware that for each message posted we all get notified by mail. I get 100+ mail notifications a day because of threads

15. SAYING STOP POKING ME IN STATUS BAR
-Its a stupid way for people to flirt or be stupid get over it it's better than them actually coming into your room and poking you

16. COMPLAIN ABOUT THE NEW FACEBOOK
-Enough! The old Facebook isn't coming back...and whats wrong with the new one anyway? It's almost exactly like the old Facebook. The major difference is that things are easier to find


17. WRITING PRIVATE STUFF ON SOMEBODY'S WALL
-Mmmm, I'm going to ravish your monster munch toes tonight, and then I'm going to drink your dirty bath water.....
We really wanted to know that!!

18. BITCHING ABOUT SOMEBODY IN YOUR STATUS
-Bitch bitch bitch...yeah she knows who I'm talking about...bitch bitch bitch...and if I see her I'll say it to her face...bitch bitch bitch

19. INVITING ME TO BE A ZOMBIE SNOT FACE GANSTER FARMER AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN
-Aaaargh!!


20. SENDING AN INVITATION FOR A PARTY TO SOMEBODY FAR FAR AWAY IN ANOTHER COUNTRY
-Ok I'll be there on the next flight. Not!

21. SENDING A CHAIN-MAIL
-If you don't invite all your friends to this group you will die a horrible death tonight at about 10pm.


22. GETTING OFFENDED WHEN THE TRUTH IS SPOKEN INSTEAD OF ADMITTING AND JOINING IN FOR A LAUGH
-Yeah I'm talking about this list


23. REPLYING "WHAT'S WRONG BABE?" IN A FRIEND'S STATUS
-When instead you mean "I don't care about your problem just tell me who upset you and why and when and what...so I can have something to gossip about with my real friends".

24. CHANGING YOUR RELATIONSHIP FROM 'IN A REALTIONSHIP' TO 'ITS COMPLICATED'
-In the world of adults and grown ups there is no need to publicly air that you are having issues in your relationship. Go fix your relationship, GO!!

25. LOG INTO YOUR PARTNERS ACCOUNT AND WRITE ROMANTIC STUFF ON YOUR OWN WALL
-Sadly this does happen.


26. CONSTANTLY ADDING ANOTHER "WHO VIEWED MY PROFILE" APP.
-Being able to see who looked at your profile is STRICTLY AGAINST FACEBOOKS PRIVACY POLICIES! They don’t work!! The application simply creates a random list for you. Oh, and at the same time steals your personal information and puts you on a mailing list. It’s a scam.


27. RECITING A STUPID QUOTE IN YOUR STATUS
-Think you're clever now do you? Nobody responded,Ha! not even a ‘LIKE IT'?

28. RECITING OLD PROVERBS MAKES YOU LOOK LIKE A TWAT


29. TAGGING ME IN A PHOTO THAT I'M NOT IN
-Sometimes I have to log in on my phone to view this photo Do you know how long it took to load the stupid pic? Oh I get it, nobody really cares about your photos so you found away to shove it in our faces. Feel better now do you?


30. MOANING IN YOUR STATUS THAT YOUR LIFE IS BORING, EVERY SINGLE DAY!!
-Mamma mia! It's not your life that's boring, you are boring! Stop being a moaning miser!

31. SAYING HOW LOVELY YOUR LIFE IS IN YOUR STATUS, EVERY SINGLE DAY!!
-It makes me happy to know I have a happy friend, but if that's all you can find to put in to your status every single day

32. HOPE
-Every time you log into facebook and wait for the page to load.....you hope somebody has sent a message. You hope somebody wrote on your wall, or maybe posted up a picture and tagged you!.....and then the page loads and you're disappointed, again.

WHAT ANNOYS YOU ABOUT FACEBOOK??

The suit/dress store

WHAT HAPPENED TO ME AND WHAT I DID

So I was in this store trying on suits and what not for my job and the store also sells wedding dresses.  I come out of my changing room to go look at myself in the 3way mirror and this lady that is standing up there weights about approx. 350 pounds. She is standing up there staring at herself so I patiently wait.  The lady that does the fitting for the dresses suits etc.. is trying to tell her that she is to big for the dress and she can't strech it out anymore than what it is. Of course the lady in the dress doesn't understand that and refuses to accept it. So, at this point i'm getting rather annoyed waiting to look at myself and get my measurements so I can go on with my day. Then out of nowhere, this big lady starts asking me what I think so I just say "oh I don't know, I guess it looks fine. I've never been married myself so I don't know what a dress is supposed to look like" Next think I know she starts arguing with me!! Of course I heard the conversation between her and the seamstress so I just jump up and say "you know, it looks great! I think the guy you're marrying is going to absolutely love it!!"

What I should have said was...
"Now listen, I know you love the dress but my God, the lady that does all the measurements says it doesn't fit you and it could rip or something! It could possibly ruin your wedding night if something bad happens! The dress keeps yelling 'I don't fit you' so maybe you should go on a diet, or go look at a dress that actually fits you instead of freaking out about it like a baby!!"

Yeah, that's what I SHOULD HAVE SAID!

WHAT WOULD YOU HAVE DONE IN THIS SITUATION??